Life and Other Things

It's like I've been swimming in an ocean, never knowing where I am, if I move or not, and if I do, if it's in circles or has direction. All my life, I've been swimming, trying not to drown. For most of it, I've been on my own - or even pushed under water by those supposed to help me. There's no land I can see. Nothing to rest on, nothing to hold on to. Just these endless waves of cold water all around me, and it's infinite depths. Sometimes, there have been people. On boats, trying to help me. Giving me some kind of shelter, some kind of a break. Sometimes, they're there, shouting out for me - and I still don't see them, don't hear them. Fighting against the waves on my own again, although I don't need to. Thing is.. I need to be aware of them being there to be able to get their help. They can't reach me otherwise. When my fear of drowning is too strong, though, in the moments where I'd need them the most, I can't see them...

I'm broken. When I move, I hear the clinking and crunching of all the broken pieces of my self. Even only breathing, I feel these shards rubbing against each other. Constant pain. I just want to be held, tightly, as not to move, just for a moment. To feel whole again, not just all these pieces of myself scrambled together. I want to be held, and, just for a moment, feel safe in this horrible world with my damaged self. I miss the warmth of another body. The love in your eyes, shining a warm light towards the fragments of light inside me. I miss the gentle touch of your skin, reminding me that I'm not dead, neither my body nor my soul. I miss the smile reminding me of my beauty, of my strength. I miss your smell, reminding me that I'm not alone. Miss your voice encouraging me. All I see, all I hear, are just my own head's lies, its monsters. Unworthy. Unlovable. Alone. Cold. Hurt. Broken. A million pieces. And I'm wondering.. maybe.. But I don't want to...