Swim or drown

It's like I've been swimming in an ocean, never knowing where I am, if I move or not, and if I do, if it's in circles or has direction. All my life, I've been swimming, trying not to drown. For most of it, I've been on my own - or even pushed under water by those supposed to help me.

There's no land I can see. Nothing to rest on, nothing to hold on to. Just these endless waves of cold water all around me, and it's infinite depths.

Sometimes, there have been people. On boats, trying to help me. Giving me some kind of shelter, some kind of a break.
Sometimes, they're there, shouting out for me - and I still don't see them, don't hear them. Fighting against the waves on my own again, although I don't need to.
Thing is.. I need to be aware of them being there to be able to get their help. They can't reach me otherwise.

When my fear of drowning is too strong, though, in the moments where I'd need them the most, I can't see them. Can't hear them. Can't reach out. And they.. they have to watch my struggles, unable to do anything but hope I'm going to see them. Helpless.

All I can think of is how I'm losing energy, how I cannot keep up much longer, how I'm all alone. How I'm going to drown very soon. Scared, hurting, cold. All alone.
While they're right there, willing to help, but I just can't see them.

So I'm fighting, swimming.
Sometimes, I can see them then. Sometimes, I can't.
But I'm always wondering when I'm going to lose my strength, when I'm incapable of fighting any longer. When I'm going to drown.
And some part of me is looking forward to just stop fighting. To the end of all this fear, all this efforts.
But I'm not ready to give up yet.