I had a friend once, whom I still remember fondly. I also miss him, a lot.
We met while playing text-based online role play. Over time, we bonded, similarly to our characters, slowly growing closer.
It's been a long time. I was in my teens when we were close, and when I lost him. He had a huge impact in my life - even if he may not even know. At the time, though, he was my best friend. And also one of very few, all of them being very far away.
We wrote letters to each other, like real pen on paper ones. We also planned to meet up. It wasn't easy, with the both of us still being dependent on our parents, living in different parts of the country. He sent me gifts I still have to this day, and whenever I see them, I think of him, of our connection - and most often, I begin to cry. Because I really miss him, so much.
I remember us texting every day. He played a huge part in keeping me sane, not falling victim to my depression too much, keeping hope.
One of those memories I always come back to is one of these nights I couldn't sleep, felt lonely. Left behind. Not cared for at all. I still lived with my mother at the time, at her boyfriend's house, not having a room of my own. I clutched my phone and sat at the glass door, looking at the stars. I don't know anymore how it came to us texting, but we did. He was out at a party, him being a few years older than me. He was drunk, and still took the time to text me.
I remember us talking about the stars, how we had the same night sky connecting us. How some of the stars changed colors, how some of them twinkled. We talked about how nice it would be to be at the same place right now, being together. How it nearly felt that way, but not quite. We talked about being close, how we felt about each other. I'm not sure anymore, but this could be why he began calling me "Sternchen" - "little star".
We talked a lot that night, unusually intimate, with it being kind of romantic.
I remember him telling me that he was too tired to walk home, how he decided to just sleep on a bench. I remember being worried all night, and part of the next day, checking in in the morning and anxiously waiting for him to answer. I remember him not remembering much of our talk, him not knowing that I knew he slept on the bench. It felt surreal, but also.. close. Weird, me knowing everything that happened, and him having a blackout. He reread some of our conversation, and I remember us talking about it the whole day. I also remember me not being sure about how to behave, as the intimacy and closeness of the night were gone, and he didn't remember. I was scared to ask, afraid to lose him. Afraid of.. it not having been real.
Still.. even though he had been drunk, he didn't remember, this is one of my most treasured memories. Of him, but also.. in general.
He was my best friend for years. I loved him. I think I also had a massive crush on him. But, most importantly, I felt safe and understood. I felt close to him. I felt loved and like I belonged. Something I rarely did back then. Something that's still .. new to me. Always surprises me.
We had been talking on the phone. Had specific plans to visit. However, things fell through. Shortly after that falling through, he left our group of friends playing together. He just left, ignored all of us. Nobody knew anything. I remember the others being shocked that even I didn't know anything. He just.. moved on, without a word.
It hurt a lot. For years, I thought it was my fault, like I did something wrong.
A few years later, I got a call. Female voice. She explained how she made him up as an avatar for safety purposes. That she had never thought to connect with any of us, as "online" wasn't as real. That she got scared when we got that close and I became so important to her, and the other way around. That she didn't want to lie anymore, but also didn't know how to handle all of it. So, she pulled away. She said she regretted her decisions, wanted to make up. She even sent pictures of herself.
I didn't know what to say. Sex or gender were never important to me. I couldn't really understand her decisions, but was willing to try. However.. I was also still very hurt.
It wasn't that she lied to me. I could have handled that, especially since it was only about gender.
No. It was an elaborate scheme. Who have I talked with on the phone? How did that even work?
Which parts of my best friend, of him, were her, which parts were a lie?
Whom did I share all these things with? What of it is even real?
She was ashamed in the end. I get that. I wish it could have worked out. I want to just think that it would have been okay if she had just told me. But who knows?
Also, with her deciding to just leave, not even telling anyone anything, my trust was shattered. With everything else, I didn't know what to believe anymore. Up to now, I don't know if my memories are real, even though I know it happened. I just don't know if it was a fake person I shared them with, or a real person whose gender I didn't know.
For me, people I met online have always been real. For her, it was different. When our worlds collided, things broke, I think.
In the end, I still miss my best friend.
How does one mourn a friend who didn't die, but is non-existent?
I've been left by a ghost that, for me, was a real person, and never really got over it. I guess it's because all these incredibly important memories are fake and real at the same time. How can it be real, though, when the person you shared them with isn't?
And here I am, wondering why I often question if people are real, if things are true, if this is reality..
I wanted to reach out to him so badly.. but he's not there. And she's just not the same. Never really was. It feels like telling someone else about a mutual friend, reaching out to her - so I didn't.
It's like he's dead, only that he never existed in the first place. There's no script how to get over that, how to mourn that. Not accepted, as he was never there to begin with. Fictional at best.
How does one mourn a lost friend who's always been non-existent, anyway?
We met while playing text-based online role play. Over time, we bonded, similarly to our characters, slowly growing closer.
It's been a long time. I was in my teens when we were close, and when I lost him. He had a huge impact in my life - even if he may not even know. At the time, though, he was my best friend. And also one of very few, all of them being very far away.
We wrote letters to each other, like real pen on paper ones. We also planned to meet up. It wasn't easy, with the both of us still being dependent on our parents, living in different parts of the country. He sent me gifts I still have to this day, and whenever I see them, I think of him, of our connection - and most often, I begin to cry. Because I really miss him, so much.
I remember us texting every day. He played a huge part in keeping me sane, not falling victim to my depression too much, keeping hope.
One of those memories I always come back to is one of these nights I couldn't sleep, felt lonely. Left behind. Not cared for at all. I still lived with my mother at the time, at her boyfriend's house, not having a room of my own. I clutched my phone and sat at the glass door, looking at the stars. I don't know anymore how it came to us texting, but we did. He was out at a party, him being a few years older than me. He was drunk, and still took the time to text me.
I remember us talking about the stars, how we had the same night sky connecting us. How some of the stars changed colors, how some of them twinkled. We talked about how nice it would be to be at the same place right now, being together. How it nearly felt that way, but not quite. We talked about being close, how we felt about each other. I'm not sure anymore, but this could be why he began calling me "Sternchen" - "little star".
We talked a lot that night, unusually intimate, with it being kind of romantic.
I remember him telling me that he was too tired to walk home, how he decided to just sleep on a bench. I remember being worried all night, and part of the next day, checking in in the morning and anxiously waiting for him to answer. I remember him not remembering much of our talk, him not knowing that I knew he slept on the bench. It felt surreal, but also.. close. Weird, me knowing everything that happened, and him having a blackout. He reread some of our conversation, and I remember us talking about it the whole day. I also remember me not being sure about how to behave, as the intimacy and closeness of the night were gone, and he didn't remember. I was scared to ask, afraid to lose him. Afraid of.. it not having been real.
Still.. even though he had been drunk, he didn't remember, this is one of my most treasured memories. Of him, but also.. in general.
He was my best friend for years. I loved him. I think I also had a massive crush on him. But, most importantly, I felt safe and understood. I felt close to him. I felt loved and like I belonged. Something I rarely did back then. Something that's still .. new to me. Always surprises me.
We had been talking on the phone. Had specific plans to visit. However, things fell through. Shortly after that falling through, he left our group of friends playing together. He just left, ignored all of us. Nobody knew anything. I remember the others being shocked that even I didn't know anything. He just.. moved on, without a word.
It hurt a lot. For years, I thought it was my fault, like I did something wrong.
A few years later, I got a call. Female voice. She explained how she made him up as an avatar for safety purposes. That she had never thought to connect with any of us, as "online" wasn't as real. That she got scared when we got that close and I became so important to her, and the other way around. That she didn't want to lie anymore, but also didn't know how to handle all of it. So, she pulled away. She said she regretted her decisions, wanted to make up. She even sent pictures of herself.
I didn't know what to say. Sex or gender were never important to me. I couldn't really understand her decisions, but was willing to try. However.. I was also still very hurt.
It wasn't that she lied to me. I could have handled that, especially since it was only about gender.
No. It was an elaborate scheme. Who have I talked with on the phone? How did that even work?
Which parts of my best friend, of him, were her, which parts were a lie?
Whom did I share all these things with? What of it is even real?
She was ashamed in the end. I get that. I wish it could have worked out. I want to just think that it would have been okay if she had just told me. But who knows?
Also, with her deciding to just leave, not even telling anyone anything, my trust was shattered. With everything else, I didn't know what to believe anymore. Up to now, I don't know if my memories are real, even though I know it happened. I just don't know if it was a fake person I shared them with, or a real person whose gender I didn't know.
For me, people I met online have always been real. For her, it was different. When our worlds collided, things broke, I think.
In the end, I still miss my best friend.
How does one mourn a friend who didn't die, but is non-existent?
I've been left by a ghost that, for me, was a real person, and never really got over it. I guess it's because all these incredibly important memories are fake and real at the same time. How can it be real, though, when the person you shared them with isn't?
And here I am, wondering why I often question if people are real, if things are true, if this is reality..
I wanted to reach out to him so badly.. but he's not there. And she's just not the same. Never really was. It feels like telling someone else about a mutual friend, reaching out to her - so I didn't.
It's like he's dead, only that he never existed in the first place. There's no script how to get over that, how to mourn that. Not accepted, as he was never there to begin with. Fictional at best.
How does one mourn a lost friend who's always been non-existent, anyway?
Kommentare